torn

i never thought i wld blog abt this since i figured no one will ever understand. cos only i know the full story.

but it's just so difficult to handle your pain cos i can understand why u're feeling the way u're feeling. and i feel it, ever so clearly. many a times i wish i can undo the hurt i've done on you, i can ease ur pain by taking back those words. but in reality, this would only cause more pain.

people seem to think that i have the easy part to play. but the truth is i seriously doubt so. i know its goddamn difficult on you to deal with your agony and sorrows. cos u never see this coming and i agree its f*cking unfair to u.

but it's not tt easy too when u have to handle both sides of the story, urs and mine. yours, which u and i fully understand and mine, which only i can identify with.

and when i have to hide all that im feeling.

directed.

for the past wk, i've been wondering what the hell am i going to do for the next month and a half before my attachment starts and for the month after my attachment ends. then it struck me. i cant believe it man. it has always been my desire and it didnt cross my mind for the past wk??

well, im gonna be a volunteer! just like chris, except tt i'll not get paid.

just completed and sent out this mega-long form with endless essay questions to TOUCH Community service. hopefully they'll give me smth to do. tmr i'll continue sending forms out and i really hope to start doing smth useful soon, very very soon.

oh then i came across this Graduate Diploma in Social Work offered by NUS. kinda interested in it. but wait till i complete my Graduate Diploma in Law huh.

hmm so excited. finally im not gonna just aimlessly bum around everyday. hooray!

blossomed

i've always wanted to be 21, to be an official adult where i can make my own decisions without parental approval, where i can enter anywhere, watch any movie and do anything i want without worrying bout being underaged.

ppl ard me have always been lamenting to me bout how scary the thought of being an adult is. but i loved the thought of it. it's when i am officially adult, but a young adult. it's the time when i can have ultimate fun with the freedom to explore everything and anything and not worrying bout settling down, yet.

but then again, thinking about it in a different way, it can seem frightening. like last night when me, rena and huishi grooved away in phuture, i looked ard and felt old. scanning the guys ard us made me feel like an old hen trying to prey on young meat. i swear i felt so out of place. i bet 90% of the ppl ard us were younger than us (though we looked pretty young, erm right?). thats why i felt more comfortable in zouk. ok plus the crowd in phuture was crazy, as usual.

i love hiphop but i guess its time to learn to groove to retro. *sings out loud: "oh grease lightning, oh grease lightning"*

anyway i just wanna thank everyone for spending the wonderful 21st with me, esp dear rich who so willingly shelled out his hard-earned money on such an expensive gift. it is beautiful though. oh and my wonderful cousins who walked ard town for hours scouting gifts for me and the lovely watch and necklace they eventually chosen. and my older cousins as well as my relatives for the angpaos. and daphne and monica for the lovely necklace too (must have also cost a bomb for the 2 of u). and thank you jon for the very adorable fcuk bag and lun for the gift and treat that he promised (heh). and gerald for his gift that i have yet not collected from. and my babes for forking out time with me since im back. and my sisters for the exquisite pearl earrings. and of cos, my parents for the gorgeous necklace.

its been a fabulous celebration, even though the MOS thingy was cancelled last min. sorry peeps.

oh one more thing - i got my results! as some of you have already known, i did much much better than i expected and i still cant believe those are my results. maybe cos i seriously expected the worst. this morning i came online agn to double-confirm my results in case i was just dreaming bout last night. and yes, its a dream come true. yipppieeeeeeee!

tmr will be more partying and even more partying on sat. well whoever wants to party just gimme a holler. cos i'll always be ready to go. ooo-la-laa

living in manhattan

these days i've been cooped up in my room in the nights watching sex and the city. dear daphne darling lent me 4 seasons of the sexed up show and got me addicted to it.

i've been staying in my room, stuck on my bed watching episode after episode, till they had to come banging on my door and literally dragged me out of my room to play mahjong in my kitchen. duh. they just refused to let me do wat i want! heh. but then again, i've been going out for dinner, going for expensive rides in cabs just to feel the leicester wind, and going on shopping trips with them. so im not really all that cooped up.

just that when im in my room, im literally out of touch with the world outside manhattan. oh well my bloody barely-a-year-old laptop just crashed u see so i've no internet to log onto. i cant blog, cant surf, cant play online games or chat on msn, so what else can i do? very kind jon lent me his laptop but i still cant go on the net. so i figured the only way out is to get in touch with manhattan everytime im in my room. at least i dont feel so isolated.

ok fine they r all excuses. just lemme watch the freaking dvds!

right now, im typing on my neighbour's lappie and i better surf all i can before she gets back.

oh did i mention exams r over? like since wednesday. not exactly jumping for joy cos i know i kinda screwed them all up. and im so positively sure that im so not gonna cry over my rotten grades cos im so expecting them.

ok enough of those sick papers. seriously, law exams are the worst exams i've sat in my entire life. they are so goddamn stressful i actually literally trembled throughout the 3hrs of almost every paper. every second in any law exam is like worth a million. and honestly, i've not stopped writing before the 3 hours is up for every bloody paper. in fact, i think i need at least 6hrs for each. if u want time to fly by, just go sit for any law paper. the 3 hrs felt like 3 freaking mins till i feel the pain and see my red swollen fingers then i can believe that i've actually written nonstop for 180 mins. ok did i say enough of those sick papers?

now to the MOS bday thingy. dear rich has booked a private room in MOS for my 21st on 22nd June. im now contemplating if i should go ahead with it. though i've passed the news to a number of ppl, i've been thinking about it and well, im thinking maybe i dont really wanna go so public on my 21st. though im quite an attention-seeker at times (yes i know i am), i just detest the thought of being the queen of the night with people noticing every single detail about you. how you talk, dress, walk, dance, react to their gifts and well, how you react to a-l-c-o-h-o-l. seriously, ive not really been drinking since the night someone actually asked if i needed an ambulance. and the thought of alcohol still freaks me, not to mention the taste of it.

and god, when i tink of the feeling of being drunk... i dont even wanna think about it.

so well, im still considering if the MOS party is still on. i'll have to confirm it with baby tmr.

other than that, life's been pretty ok so far. going down to london on wednesday, hopefully pop by harrods, indulge in the famous four season's roast duck and erm.. do more shopping, before i leave for singapore from there on friday.

perhaps till then, i wont be blogging anymore. so the next time u hear from me, u'll probably see me too.

tata.